Editor's Note: Do we sniff a little allegory here, maybe? Maybe the masses are indeed unhinged and penning this kind of thing in their rage. DHS, watch out!

How to Train African Grey Parrots

African Grey Parrots are a rowdy bunch, but you can control them! They will bow to your power! Especially if you are a Saudi King (what are the chances, lol? Saudi kings don't read wikiHow!) and they are just some leader of the Free Parrot World or something. Big whoop. Who cares? Everyone from that country should be ashamed, or so the leader says.

 Steps

1. Get an African Grey Parrot. You cannot rule the world without one. Two is better, of course, or twelve, but if you are having trouble finding one African Gray Parrot, what are the chances you can find bunches of these colorful (NOT) birds? Lol.

2. Capture its family (or at least say you did), that way they will do anything to ensure the safety of that screaming baby parrot of theirs who repeats every thing they say, in a really annoying way. And the mother-in-law parrot who lives in the tree next door. (Or used to, before you got hold of her, that is. Or said you did.)

3. Once you rule over the parrot population, use their might to take over this pathetic worm-world! It will be yours and you can tax the heck out of it. Who's gonna stop you? Just start to take care of them and they will never be able to get themselves out of the miserable cycle of dependency. You win!

4. If this fails, try a multi-decade approach of a steady drain on the liberties of the parrot patriots. Get a bunch of ideologues to invade parrot academia and the parrot media, Parrot CNN, for example. Oh, you might have thought there was a non-parrot CNN. Wrong. They say exactly what they are told.

5. But I digress. Be sure also to appoint a few judges to control the parrot courts by legislating from the parrot bench. Making up the rules of the Parrot World as you go is the best way to run a country. Just forget any Constitution which any Founding Parrot Fathers might have slaved over in order to form a more perfect Parrot Union. That is language from the failed policies of the past.

6. We have to move forward if you are to consolidate your power! Besides you are going to rule the world now, and you know best, because you speak well (if you are using a teleprompter) and you seem tall.

 Tips

* Don't use dogs to rule the parrots, even a Portuguese Water Dog. It isn't done.

* Chairs are useless. Parrots sit on tree branches. And yes, they are going to sit, because no matter how you try to enslave them so they will pay you a shedload of money, they are likely to go Galt and to sit around more and more all day long.

* Beaks make you fly.

* Remember to clean up any surprises. The world has enough excrement, especially since Parrot Congress starting appropriating all the money.

 Warnings

* Don't let the government find out about my secret parrot resistance. And don't have a cup of parrot tea!

* Muffins are surprisingly high in calories


Article added: 27 April 2009


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Colorful characters,
but not in the way
you might expect.


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