Editor's Note: This was one of the first funny wikiHows we saw which inspired us to put together wikiHowl for you to enjoy. Some of the funny how-tos on that site are just too good to say goodbye to.
How to Have Sex in a Fitting RoomHave you ever been working retail near the dressing room area, only to think to yourself, God dammit, I just wanna do someone right now? Most likely, you shrugged this impulse off and went back to work, thinking that work is not the place for sex.
Dressing rooms are the perfect place for intense sex. It's all a matter of selecting the right dressing room, the right time, and the right person--preferably one who will not blab to the entire workplace about your encounter.
1. Although to a first-timer, all dressing rooms might seem the same, this is definitely not the case. Many careful considerations should go into picking the right one, making the experience as enjoyable as possible without getting caught. A spacious dressing room is always best - go for the handicapped room, if possible. You should also try to avoid selecting a room near the entrance, as that can lead to some awkward questions. Also, dressing rooms without any attendants have a clear advantage. If you are caught, you (and your partner if he/she works there as well) will easily be fired on the spot, eliminating any chance of dressing room sex in the future.
2. This brings us to picking the right time. You should never attempt dressing room sex during peak business hours, as the dressing room will most likely be extremely busy at that time. Because you want to be a considerate person, it would be extremely impolite to subject customers to hearing the sound of your encounter while they are attempting to try on clothing.
3. Speaking of hearing sounds, acoustics need to also be considered. A dressing room where the individual stalls are closed on top will help confine the sound, as well as providing a more intimate and echoing environment. You should also try to avoid stalls with those obnoxious benches in them… unless that's how you like it. Although when it comes to comfort… anything that provides a nice soft cushion can be an advantage. However, this is a rare find in cheaply made dressing rooms today.
4. Now that you have (hopefully) found the perfect place, it's time to figure out who you are going to share this amazing experience with. Although it can be a long and difficult task, the payoff in the end is great. To prepare, always be on the lookout for hot co-workers. The philosophy behind this is that if you're going to have a random hookup, it might as well be with someone who's ridiculously good-looking. And remember, their being single is always just a technicality. The moment will never be discussed after it takes place, even between the two of you. Why should a third person hold you back?
5. Although you may have hot co-workers, not all of them will give in to the idea of dressing room sex, which is understandable for those new to the idea. Surprise encounters aside (which will be elaborated upon later), it is best to go for the sluttiest ones possible. How to decide which workers are the sluttiest? Simple. If you can flirt with them, drag them into a dressing room and start making out, chances are you've found yourself a slut. If not, chances are you're going to be looking at sexual harassment charges. just a general rule for girls, the more skin they show, the more likely you are to have found a good one. And as for guys, they're all sluts. All of them. Experts believe that due to the effects of testosterone, most guys are willing to have sex with any girl at any time in any place. Just as long as she's not overly ugly. And in that case, there's always alcohol.
6. Now that you know who you're going to get it on with and where, it gets to the tricky part. In this paragraph, we are going to assume the classic approach of letting your partner know beforehand. Obviously, flirting with subtle hints is a big part of this. The more you practice, the easier it will be to get a person to warm up to the idea. Once the idea is planted, you have two options. If your partner is experienced with dressing room sex, it is usually not too difficult to jump straight into it. However, if he/she isn't, it will need to be eased in to. Avoid the obvious approach in this case. "Hey, would you like to go into that dressing room and have sex?" is usually not the most subtle choice of words.
7. So now before we start talking about the actual sex part, well briefly go other the other possibility: surprise dressing room sex. While it is easier to make happen, it is much, much riskier. The easiest way to initiate is when you and your hot co-worker are cleaning out the dressing rooms. If he/she is not cleaning the dressing rooms, suggest that he/she helps you. Then, once he/she is cleaning out the stall that you have selected, it's time for you to enter the stall and initiate. We'll leave that to your imagination. With a little creativity, the possibilities for this method are endless. We won't talk about any more, just because we are not to be held responsible for surprise dressing room sex gone wrong. A less risky approach is when both you and your partner know what is expected to happen, although no agreement was explicitly stated.
8. So now well get to the good part. The sex. While we cannot help you at all in your normal sexual ability, we can offer tips on how to successfully make the adjustment to a dressing room setting. The most common mistake for first timers is doing their thing too close to the edge of the fitting room. Not only does this make falling through the door/curtain completely possible, but it could lead to a painful experience if you or your partner is thrust into a hard surface. Another common mistake is attempting dressing room sex on the floor. This is not a good idea. First of all, if you're an employee, you know how often those floors get cleaned. Never. Secondly, anyone walking by will get a full view of whatever you're doing. And that could be problematic. If it is too uncomfortable to do it standing up and going on the floor is the only option, be sure to bring plenty of clothes. Not only can you lay them down on the floor to avoid the dirt (and then laugh at the customer who buys them), you can pile them up in front of you. They block the view of any onlookers, and seeing clothes on the floor of a dressing room is a normal sight. In fact, most lazy employees will steer clear of these piles of clothes, not wanting to have to pick them up. If you're standing up, avoid the hooks on the wall used for holding hangers. In the heat of the moment, you may accidentally back into one of them, and it can hurt. A lot. As cries of extreme pain typically ruin sexual encounters, you should try not to do this. Unless you're into that sort of thing.
9. So you've accomplished your goal and you and your partner are putting your clothes back on in delight. However, you are not in the clear yet. Your mind is probably on other things, but you will need to stay focused if you want to escape without consequence. Although it may be difficult to concentrate on work after such a thrilling experience, that's what you need to pretend to do. If you plan ahead, you should take your break right after your encounter. This gives you time to compose yourself before you have to go back to work and face your other co-workers, who may or may not suspect something. And remember, the beautiful thing about dressing room sex: no emotional attachment. Don't feel guilty about not spending enough time with your partner afterwards. In many cases, it's best to never talk to the person again (unless it leads to more dressing room sex). You'll have to use your better judgment. A shyer person will most likely never want to speak of the moment again. On the other hand, a confident co-worker will most likely flirt with you afterwards, opening the door for more sex.
*Avoid initiating dressing room sex with a talkative co-worker. The more he/she talks, the more likely he/she is to let slip the details of you encounter. Obviously, this is the sort of information that you don't want your other co-workers to know about. They might get jealous. There is one exception to this. If said talkative co-worker has other hot friends, this jealousy could lead into additional encounters. And additional encounters are always welcome. Remember, you're doing all of this on company time. Therefore, it's important to get as much out of dressing room sex as possible. And hell, you're getting paid for it!
*When you start feeling confident around the person, simply hooking up in the dressing room can lead to many wonderful things. As time passes, you can push it further and further just as you would in a non-dressing room environment. If you do not have the time to do that over the course of a workday or several days, we recommend the guaranteed third base mix for a quick jump start. Just remember to be careful about where you play the third base mix- its effects are extremely potent and are not to be taken lightly. Do NOT use around small children.
*Dressing room sex can be an incredibly rewarding experience, as well as an excellent use of company time. As long as you remember these simple tips, your dressing room encounter can be as enjoyable as possible. When you've mastered dressing room sex, you may be ready to move to something more advanced, such as shoe corner sex, or stockroom sex.
If things go right,
you could be buying lots of these in the next nine months.
Article added: 29 October 2007