Editor's Note: Did you think that pet rocks were passé? Not at wikiHow! The kid editors there never got the memo. They are ever providing a new how-to about some joke aspect of pet rock care and keeping, the funny little nuts.
How to Break Up With Your Pet RockSome pet rocks are as annoying and dull as a sponge. Even so, you might not want to hurt the feelings of yours when the boredom of keeping him overcomes you. Instead, choose to look for a place to abandon your little no-toed sloth. Make sure he is not left totally alone, but rather, will have company. Here are instructions for how to go about dumping your formerly beloved pet rock without causing too much stress and discomfort.
1. First, talk to your pet rock less and less over the next few months. He may eventually get the idea that you are fed up with being with him all the live-long day. If you are incredibly lucky, he may subsequently simply slink off somewhere, saving you the sadness of having to subject yourself to Step Two.
2. When the time comes, telegraph the problem casually, but don't just come right out and say you don't like him. Instead say, "Honey, we have grown apart. You seem to enjoy sitting around a lot, and I on the contrary, am active and sporty." Pet rocks can be sensitive, but they will go along with your thinking on this, because they are intrinsically fond of lying around like a lump, and they would not want to be pushed to become mobile and energetic, since this is an absolute impossibility for them (Shhh. Don't speak this truth aloud near your pet rock, as it is a very hurtful secret. You do not wish to hurt your little rock's feelings.)
3. Explain to Pet Rock that you will soon take him deep into the woods for a lovely, long walk. Of course you will have to carry all the weight on this jaunt, because that lazy rock you are stuck with. is not going to want to do one step of casual strolling, much less several hours worth of vigorous hiking through the forest. Pet rocks are not creatures which exhibit a tremendous amount of energy.
4. If you harvested your rock from the wild, go to the spot at which you originally found your lethargic friend. Put him down into a group of some pals, or at least, close to some decent looking stones. Find ones which appear to you to be placid but not slovenly. Announce that you are going to while away the afternoon collecting wildflowers. Walk away in the direction of the meadows far beyond.
Don't come back.
*If you push off your pet rock early on in your relationship, he may may think you have been taking advantage, especially if you have been using that rock to perform jobs like holding down papers, or keeping closed the screen door on a breezy day.
*Make sure not to tell your pet directly that you wish to break up. Psychologically, these beings are not the "rocks" others might think they would be...
*Don't run away from that rock. Just skulk off slowly into the sunny woodside. Otherwise, he might cry if he could. Which of course, he cannot. You can't get tears from a stone, after all.
*It‘s okay if you still feel a little lonely after breaking up with your partner the pet rock. But hold your head up high! You are a fantastic person and maybe you could try dating bigger and better things, such a landscaping block, a slab of patio stone, a boulder, a cliff, a or even one day a precipice.
*If you are actually reading this and have this problem, with your pet rock, you may need a smidge of medical attention. Or perhaps you have been watching too many melodramas.
Article added: 02 November 2007
wikiHowl collects funny how-to articles deleted from wikiHow.com, and brings them to you when you are looking for a laugh. wikiHow's content is shared under a Creative Commons license; with author credits for these silly or bizarre how-to's available via wikiHow's Deletion Log.