Editor's Note: Stepping up from CCGT operations? Want to move on to the big stuff? Fancy working at the real atomic level? Just set yourself up with a nuclear safety certificate and this article.

How to Operate a Nuclear Power Plant

Nuclear power plants can be dangerous places. Without the proper safety procedures, disasterous consequences are inevitable. However with this helpful guide to nuclear power plant safety, you can safely create environmentally friendly, highly unstable power for your friends and family without fear of cancer and death. Read on.

 Steps

1. First, put on the proper safety equipment. Biohazard suits have been popularized by the media as being radiation proof, but in actual fact high exposure to radiation will give you super powers (see: Spider Man, the Incredible Hulk).  I recommend the minimum amount of clothing, for maximum amount of exposure. if possible, wear nothing at all.

2. Watch where you build your nuclear power plant, as the wrong neighbourhood can cause dire consequences. Areas such as North Korea and Iran should be avoided as these are full of angry local militants who are likely to want to take it off you for their own use.

3. Hurrah! You are now fully qualified to safely operate a nuclear power plant! Have fun!

 Tips

* If your hair falls out, do not worry, as baldness will make you look wise and dignified and down wit the mutant homies.

* If you get cancer, do worry, because you are GOING TO DIE. Most likely it will be slow and painful. On the plus sideā€¦ no there isn't a plus side. Sorry.

* A cool prank to pull: when your neighbors are away, try irradiating their dog! Imagine their surprise as when they arrive home, Fido has a fresh litter of eight legged puppies--they might even look some other animal, for example, bunnies!

 Warnings

* There are no need for warnings, as nuclear power is completely safe and family friendly!

* Don't be anxious. Despite recent news reports to the contrary, there is no danger of turning into any kind of a creature, particularly a zombie .


Article added: 24 October 2007


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