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How to Live With a Raccoon Under Your Bed

I know the feeling. You get home after a long day at work, hungry and tired, only to discover a live raccoon has taken up residence under your bed! Well, never fear. If you follow these easy steps, you can be assured that your nights will remain peaceful and relatively rabies-free.


1. First of all, remain calm. Sudden moves may provoke the raccoon into attacking, or possibly calling for reinforcements. You can, at this point, do the sensible thing and call the local pest control (sometimes called 'vector control' in the front of the phone book), though it pretty well nullifies the rest of this article.

2. If you're still reading, congratulations! That means you're ready to enter the fast-paced world of raccoon cohabitation.

3. Make friends with your raccoon. As with any new neighbor, quickly establishing friendly relations will mean finding less poop on your pillow. So give your raccoon treats. Arrange a nice housewarming basket for your new neighbor. They tend to enjoy peanut butter, but any leftovers will do. Raccoons aren't too picky, as they are pretty well accustomed to eating garbage.

4. Name the raccoon. Don't go with 'Steve' or 'The Lone Ranger,' instead, try to come up with something original. For example, mine is named 'Sir Bites A Lot.'

5. Play games with your raccoon. My favorites include 'Stray Cat Death Match', or 'Parcheesi'.

6. Give up sleep. As you may be aware, raccoons are dangerous wild animals, so while you're in your bedroom, try not to fall asleep. Instead you can amuse yourself by maintaining an eternal state of cat-like readiness. After the third day, you can look forward to paranoid hallucinations to keep you company, so it kind of works out.


* Like most people in their 20s, raccoons are nocturnal. This is useful if you and your raccoon will be keeping the same hours, and may help with planning group events. For example, nothing livens up a party like the nest of raccoons living under your bed.

* Go dutch. Insist that your raccoon buy half the groceries. I can't stress this enough. If your raccoon indicates he doesn't have any money or transportation, tough. Buy a bus-pass, or lend your car to your raccoon. It's not as hard as you may think to teach feral animals to drive. Just ask my girlfriend!


* Raccoons are funny animals, but they can be dangerous.

* Having a live raccoon under your bed can have a deleterious effect on your social life. You may wish to make your raccoon appear less threatening to strangers by making it wear a funny hat. I find a sombrero works nicely.

 Things You'll Need

* If you don't already have one underneath your bed, you'll need a live raccoon. You can use a stuffed one, but it diminishes the thrill somewhat.

* You will also need a bed. Unfortunately, that pile of burlap sacks in the corner won't cut it.

Article added: 23 May 2008

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You'll be needing
a live raccoon.

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