Editor's Note: Most likely you were surfing the Internet looking for information on how to sock it to Bear Stearns, Goldman Sachs, Fannie Mae, or maybe even the US Congress in this bear market needlessly foisted upon our heads. But all you found was this nutty article about how to fight a real bear in a very wet lake.

How to Fend off a Bear in a Lake

Have you ever been out in the wilderness fly fishing when you suddenly notice a bear is right next you? What do you do? You certainly can't run while in mid-stream. Here's what to do!!!


1. Stay completely still. If you make sudden movements the bear will attack you.

2. Slowly reach into your satchel for your magical conch shell.

3. Blow said shell.

4. If I do not arrive immediately to harness the bears natural energy through interpretive dance, put on your dynamite knuckles.

5. Throw a rock at the bear. (This will likely get him mad and make him unable to use his jedi powers. It will also get his attention.)

6. When he rushes you, meet him punch for punch. Your dynamite knuckles should give you the upper hand.

7. When the bear begins to explode from the punches, don't let him get away. Bears never forget. Continue to punch until he isn't alive.


* Wait for ten seconds after blowing the conch shell. I am occasionally busy fighting other bears.

* Get the bear as angry as possible before fighting it. If it can concentrate it will use it's jedi powers and shoot you with lightning.

* If possible, get to land before fighting the bear. You will have increased mobility and it will be easier to land a jumping punch to the bear's maw. Maw punches will end the fight quickly as you will shame the bear into giving up.

* Don't forget to light your dynamite knuckles. (Unlit dynamite knuckles are useless.)

* Timing is also important when using dynamite knuckles. Try to punch right when the dynamite is about to explode.

* Make your punches slow and deliberate. (Don't forget that the fuse can go out when punching.)

* When the bear is a smoldering pulp of its' former self you may eat it. Bear is a delicacy that you may grow to enjoy.


* Don't run at the bear. You may trip and get dirty.

* Don't be afraid. Fear is a bear's second favorite food.

* Dodge the bear's punches. They will hurt.

* The dynamite knuckles may sting a bit when in use. That just means they're working.

 Things You'll Need

* Magical Conch Shell

* Dynamite laced brass knuckles, Dynamite Knuckles

* Advanced bear fighting style knowledge

* Lighter

Article added: 10 November 2008

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Show that Bear
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