Editor's Note: A solid background in DesCartes, and previous attendance at Longaberger Basket parties is helpful, but not strictly necessary in trying to comprehend the following instructions.

How to Deal With Evil People

Evil people are everywhere. They bomb villages entirely inhabited by children. They create bad straight to video sequels of good Disney movies. They cut you in line at the deli. They kick ass. They take names. But how to deal with them?


1. Call an exorcist. Chances are if they are truly evil then they are experiencing what is known as a "demonic possession." Get a priest on the line as soon as possible. He'll claim that the Catholic church does not perform or condone exorcisms, but hang in there he'll come around after three weeks of harassment and blackmail. Then it's just a matter of procuring the holy water, rope, bed with both headboard and footboard, and kidnapping the evil person so that you may "deal" with them.

2. In the unlikely chance that it turns out the person is not demonically possessed:

3. Apologize.

4. When that doesn't work call the cops and claim that the person in question is a stalker. They snuck into your house and tied themselves to your bed in an attempt to arouse you with an S&M like situation, which, as it turns out, you are not into.

5. When that doesn't work a bribe might. Gather up as much cash as you can. You're gonna need it.

6. Before you get arrested because none of the aforementioned things worked- smuggle as many cigarettes as you can—-use your imagination as to where to put said cigarettes.

7. When you are getting fingerprinted- Ask for Ramon. He's gentle.


* A fruit basket is a powerful thing. Something about a basketed assortment of butter cookies and spicy beef logs turns something from evil into a puppy instantly. And I know what you're thinking: Can't the puppy be evil? The answer is no - puppies are not evil. Kitties on the other hand...

* Once in prison don't ask stupid questions of your bunkmates like "Hey, Stabby Joe, how'd you get your name?" People in prison are into showing rather than telling. While this is a great rule for movies and the hard of hearing in general, with prisoners "showing" = "almost certain death or violation" = "ouch".

* Rent "Frailty".


* When someone in prison says "You're dead" don't take it as an existential conundrum. Well, I think therefore I am, therefore you are wrong. You run and hide and snitch your way out of it.

Article added: 24 August 2009

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