Editor's
Note:
A solid background in DesCartes, and previous attendance at Longaberger
Basket parties is helpful, but not strictly necessary in trying to comprehend
the following instructions.
How to Deal With Evil People
Evil people are everywhere. They bomb villages entirely inhabited by
children. They create bad straight to video sequels of good Disney
movies. They cut you in line at the deli. They kick ass. They take
names. But how to deal with them?
Steps
1. Call an exorcist. Chances are if they are truly evil then they are
experiencing what is known as a "demonic possession." Get a priest on
the line as soon as possible. He'll claim that the Catholic church does
not perform or condone exorcisms, but hang in there he'll come around
after three weeks of harassment and blackmail. Then it's just a matter
of procuring the holy water, rope, bed with both headboard and
footboard, and kidnapping the evil person so that you may "deal" with
them.
2. In the unlikely chance that it turns out the person is not
demonically possessed:
3. Apologize.
4. When that doesn't work call the
cops and claim that the person in question is a stalker. They snuck
into your house and tied themselves to your bed in an attempt to arouse
you with an S&M like situation, which, as it turns out, you are not
into.
5. When that doesn't work a bribe might. Gather up as much cash as
you can. You're gonna need it.
6. Before you get arrested because none
of the aforementioned things worked- smuggle as many cigarettes as you
can—-use your imagination as to where to put said cigarettes.
7. When
you are getting fingerprinted- Ask for Ramon. He's gentle.
Tips
* A fruit basket is a powerful thing. Something about a basketed
assortment of butter cookies and spicy beef logs turns something from
evil into a puppy instantly. And I know what you're thinking: Can't the
puppy be evil? The answer is no - puppies are not evil. Kitties on the
other hand...
* Once in prison don't ask stupid questions of your bunkmates like "Hey,
Stabby Joe, how'd you get your name?" People in prison are into showing
rather than telling. While this is a great rule for movies and the hard
of hearing in general, with prisoners "showing" = "almost certain death
or violation" = "ouch".
* Rent "Frailty".
Warnings
* When someone in prison says "You're dead" don't take it as an
existential conundrum. Well, I think therefore I am, therefore you are
wrong. You run and hide and snitch your way out of it.
Article added: 24 August 2009
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