Editor's Note: Opossum droppings be damned, it is time to rise up and do something before we all get rabies. Or is that even possible? This writer seemed to think there was something to worry about.

How to Defeat the Great Possum King of Possum Kingdom

After many years of tyranny and bloodshed it has become apparent that the great Possum King must be slain and his loyal army of Possum Knights overthrown. By following these steps (although it may cost you your family, friends, freedom, land and quite possibly your life), happiness and prosperity may be returned to the noble Texanites.


1. Gather: Thoughts, weapons, allies, paid warriors, mercenaries, whores for moral support and lots of beer.

2. Prepare. For battle. For glory. For VICTORY!

3. Assemble. Lu-BOCK. Dawn.

4. March. Not the month. Quickly. Pridefully.

5. Silence. Possums have excellent hearing. Shhhh.

6. Approach. North. East. South. Not west though. Put the sun on your back. Possums do not wear sunglasses. Remember it is DAWN.

7. I said SHHHHH. Dammit!

8. Draw. Not pencils. Guns. Big ones. Tridents too. Chainsaws.

9. Chainsaw Yielding Warriors silently advance and cut down trees of sleeping Possum Knights who are hung over from previous nights festivities.


11. Overthrow.

12. Triumph.

13. Mount captured Possum Ponies and return to Lu-BOCK with remaining warriors. Leave the wounded.

14. Wave to pretty girl upon arriving home.

15. Victory Parade. Don"t eat the candy, there is always one Possum who escapes and poisons the candy.

16. Rejoice.




*Be afraid. Very.

*Possums are feisty little devils. Beware.

Article added: 12 September 2008

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