Editor's Note: This will be easier for those who have been paying attention and doing their science homework.

How to Conquer Mars

Man has dreamed about overtaking the Red Planet for many years. It is a world as yet untarnished by humanity, and is a great opportunity for a fresh start. With these steps, however, you can make it your goal to conquer this world, set up your own systems and put all that barren space to use.


1. Decide which of the basic strategies to use. This simple step-by-step process will help you.

2. Are you, apparently, eternally young? Can you remember nothing before the age of twenty-five to thirty, but still appear to be such an age? If so, well done! You are similar to, or perhaps identical to, John Carter. You can therefore under certain circumstances use astral projection to reach Mars, and the fact that you are an honourable gentleman to conquer it. If you have these qualities, follow this set of instructions; if not, move on to Step 3.

  • Astral projection must initially be used under some sort of stress. Classic means of doing this involve entering a rather disconcerting environment while being chased by Indians. Go to sleep in a disturbed frame of mind (as you are apparently immortal, this can be achieved by any drugs you care to take).

  • Wake up on Mars. Well done! That is the difficult part out of the way. You find Mars inhabited by several species of extraterrestrial; luckily, some are humanoid (and rather attractive, and naked; these however are bonus points).

  • Notice that you have super strength. Used to the greater gravity of Earth, your muscles are overpowered compared to those of the natives. You can quickly make a name for yourself as a master of fighting.

  • Notice that you have a great sense of chivalry and honour. You can quickly use this to seduce the most beautiful woman on the planet. (Note: She lays eggs. The biological equipment to achieve this may come as a surprise, especially as you will only encounter it in the middle of the act. Be prepared.)

  • By these powers combined, it will not take long to be declared Warlord of Mars. You are successful!

3. Have you found a particularly ornate carpet which was gifted to you by an apparently insane gentleman of Persian or Arab extraction, for no reason which you can determine in the least? If so, well done! You, like Gullivar Jones, have a magic carpet which is operated by wishes, often unintentional ones. If you have one of these carpets, follow this set of instructions; if not, move on to Step 4.

  • You have to be upset in order to petulantly scream “I wish I were on Mars!” Ensure you are on the carpet in this situation; otherwise, there may be accidents and you may have some explaining to do.

  • The carpet has taken you to Mars! Come to terms with the fact that marriages are arranged in a rather orgiastic ceremony, and that communism has been taken to extremes.

  • It is somewhat more difficult to manage the actual conquest in these circumstances. Ensure that you do not simply want to “conquer” attractive Martian womenfolk. If you do, get in there. If not, it will require considerable effort. Look for an article on overthrow of a popular regime.

4. Have you recently been invaded by the Martians themselves? Were they creatures composed entirely of brain, overthrown only by Earthly microbes? If so… you are not there yet. Hold on. Are you a scientific genius? Have you, at least temporarily, defeated some Russian in order to get direct current recognized as preferable to alternating current? If so, well done! You are Thomas Edison. (If you are not Thomas Edison, something is wrong. Check again, you might be.) The Martian war machines are as Lego before your mighty brain. If you are, correctly, Thomas Edison, follow this set of instructions; if not, move on to Step 5.

  • Build your fleet of electric antigravity warships. Invade Mars.

  • Upon your arrival you will find that there are human subspecies there; you can easily overthrow everything though by using Science, brains-in-jars and humanoids included.

  • You have the backing of large numbers of world leaders; select one to rule Mars with. You will be the power behind the throne. Well done!

5. Do you know the greetings for at least seventeen of the twenty-three circumstances? Do you know the rituals of ♣ and the F. M. ? Can you recite the first and third chants for the opening, or the closing, of various things? If so, well done! You are a member of the Knights Templar. The Knights Templar are a sovereign nation with no actual territory; this means that, whilst they remain a nation since the Vatican taking back their excommunication, they are not forbidden from owning territory off Earth by the 1967 Outer Space Treaty. If you are a member of the Knights Templar, follow these instructions; if not, move on to Step 6.

  • As a member of such a society, you have the powers of the Illuminati and ancient Atlantis at your back. Use this research to build your spaceship with a fraction of the effort and cost that anyone else would need to use.

  • Use the powers gained after the subjugation of humanity's original reptilian overlords to impose your will on anyone you happen to find up there.

  • Use your new position to freak out the rest of humanity. With Mars to work from, Earth will soon be fresh for the taking. (Note: beware Discordians. They get in the way.)

6. You are none of the above; you have to just send a rocket ship to Mars and then argue with world governments. This will not be easy; someone else will have got there before you, using one of the above strategies; bad show. Become one of the other options (we recommend becoming John Carter) and start again.


* Trying to follow step 2 with a rocket causes problems; you will inevitably forget the Moon and end up on Venus. What to do in this event must be dealt with elsewhere.

* If you are not Thomas Edison, do not try to follow step 4; you are probably insufficiently patriotic and your inventions will initiate another world war. (Alternatively, you might be Tesla; if so, you have invented teleportation. Congratulations! You can probably use this to get to Mars.)

Article added: 14 September 2009

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Mars, the apple of
your eye.

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