Editor's Note: Being that we have so many readers who read us when they are not playing Maximum Ride, we thought we'd pony up an article just for them.

How to Buy a Bird Dog

Now, we all know you Maximum Ride fans are in dire need of a Total to call your own. Never fear, Gabby can help! WARNING: The term buy is being used in the loosest sense possible.


1. Grow some wings. This is necessary for infiltrating the School or the Institute.

2. If you don't already have a Flock, get one. They're a good support system.

3. Locate a branch of Itex that you believe will have some canine-avian mutations. The Institute in New York City is a good plan to fall back on, but don't eliminate the School in Death Valley, Arizona.

4. Fly to the designated location, being as discreet as possible. If any Erasers or Whitecoats catch wind of you, it's game over.

5. Come up with a plan to gain access to the aforementioned location. Utilize your Flock members' skills as much as possible; it'll make things easier in the long run.

6. Follow your plan as closely as possible, roundhouse-kicking anyone who gets in the way. A tried and true entrance to the Institute is through the sewer system of NYC. This can act as a shortcut.

7. Once you've reached the lab using the plan of your choice, open the big curtain on the far side of the room. Behind it, many dog crates of experiments will be stacked. In the right corner, you'll find the canine experiments.

8. Try and get a winged one; but if the one you find is wingless, don't get discouraged. It took Total ages to grow his wings.

9. Make your getaway, as dramatic as possible. The more Whitecoats and Erasers in the hospital at the end of it, the better.

10. Either name your new mutant dog what was written on their crate, or come up with a new one. C'mon, be creative; no Fido's or Blaze's allowed.


* If your dog is as much of a nuisance as Total is, you may want to look into the purchase of a muzzle.

* While you're in there, why not discover the secrets of your past and parentage? A little climactic discovery never hurt anybody.

* You may pick up a few human-who knows?-mutants along the way. Be careful; they're big eaters.

* A voice in your head is helpful, but not mandatory. One can be purchased at your local Walmart for a reasonable price.


* You may end up killing what turns out to be your half-brother somewhere along the way. Don't take it too hard.

* If your Canine-Avian is a big talker, you may regret your decision. Before you commit to owning one, remember that they aren't accepted by most pounds/kennels in the US (or anywhere else, for that matter). This is a big commitment.

Article added: 12 August 2011

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