Editor's Note: If you personally have time travel down to a science, the instructions here will be easy for you. By the way, this article will be a future offering. It can't possibly have been written yet! This we know because it speaks in the past tense of Queen Elizabeth II, and the last we checked, she was still with us.
How to Become a UnicornHave you ever wanted to be a unicorn, but didn't know how? Have you told your friends you would do something useful with your life, but haven't gotten to it yet? Have you always wanted to attempt to do something completely and utterly impossible? Then read on!!!
1. Growing a horn is the hardest part of any unicornic transformation. Find a magical wardrobe and go through it. You will find yourself in a different world. Just ask the nearest witch or warlock for some unicorn horn-growing powder. Sprinkle it on your head once in the morning, once at night, and you will soon find yourself growing your very own magical horn!
2. Keep in mind that your magical horn does not heal people unless you are a natural-born unicorn. Do not try any dangerous stunts just to try out your new powers as this could result in bad things.
3. Growing hooves is also a difficult part of this transformation because it involves magical things beyond even magical wardrobes. Talk to your local unicorn enthusiast to figure this out. You may just have to end up getting horse hooves (imported from Mexico) and using those instead. Nobody will know the difference.
4. I have no idea what to do next so if anyone has any idea how to further transform yourself, please let me know.
* If you have any questions, you will need to find a magical unicorn and talk to it in real life. For this you need to find a time machine and go back to the time before Noah and his Ark. Look through your bible to find this time period. Once you find a unicorn playing in the rain, tell him to get his magical fanny back to the time machine if he wants to live. If he does not listen, grasp its left ear and it will comply. It will then give you information on everything you will need to do to be a unicorn.
* If you are planning on deleting this or suggesting deletion, please actually let me know so I can save this for myself and send it to a website where they accept this kind of brilliance and do not look down upon it just because it is impossible. [Editor's Note - wikiHowl never accepts deliberate submissions, this article was used on its own merit.]
* This may make all of your friends jealous, so warn them before you begin this transformation. Invite them to do it too, but then you will have to barter random things for horn powder like Madonna concert tickets or signed photos of Queen Elizabeth II. Make sure that the magical being that you barter with knows who these people are before you bring them.
* Witches are known for throwing away signed photos as they offend them, so be aware that you may lose them. (Be sure to make them fake signed.)
* If you fake signatures, keep in mind that witches, although often evil, are quite smart. Sign them yourself just to be safe, as many witches do not even know who Queen Elizabeth II was.
* Witches are very violent when they are tricked so once you give them fake photos, go to your dimension and seal the entrance. Develop a fake identity and grow a mustache or buy a fake one.
* Witches are magical, they are not easily fooled by fake mustaches. If you are female, get fake breast implants instead. Buy these at your local balloon store.
* Please do not sue me as I never actually told anyone to do this, just merely suggested it. I have not forced any magical death upon anyone.
Things You'll Need
* Madonna concert tickets or signed photos of Queen Elizabeth II
* Horse hooves (imported from Mexico)
* A magical wardrobe or friendly witch to send you to other dimensions (to fetch magical items)
* A sense of humor
* A fake mustache or balloons
Article added: 05 January 2009
wikiHowl collects funny how-to articles deleted from wikiHow.com, and brings them to you when you are looking for a laugh. wikiHow's content is shared under a Creative Commons license; with author credits for these silly or bizarre how-to's available via wikiHow's Deletion Log.
from head to toe.