Editor's Note: Experience makes for unfair advantage in the mind of this writer.

How to Become a Pro Gamer

This is how you become a pro gamer! The journey is perilous and has taken the lives of many dudes, but actually being a gamer is easier than you think!


1. Buy a Microsoft Xbox 360 electronic videogaming console.

2. Buy Microsoft Halo 3: Return of Captain King for your Xbox 360

3. Play online for ten minutes and then get distracted by a better player than you and call him a 'noob' (see below).

4. Go online to a gaming forum and discover that you can play games on your computer! Don't listen to these so-called 'PC gamers', as they are just posers who don't know how to play games.

5. Buy the Orange Box for your Xbox 360 game console (the better version).

6. Play it for three minutes and then dismiss the whole game as being for fags because the graphics and style isn't gritty and bitmapped.

7. Meet someone who tells you that PC gaming is better than console gaming, and since you are clearly a bandwagon following [cool dude], you'll commence to shop for a prebuilt computer online.

8. Tell your parents to buy you the most expensive prebuilt computer online. Trust me, the more it costs, the better it is. Don't settle for a $600 rig when you can buy one in excess of $5000. Make sure your computer has Vista on it, as it is the only way to play Microsoft Halo 2 and Vista runs better.

9. Discover that they made a poor-quality knockoff of the Orange Box for the computer, buy it, and play it for ten minutes and then get distracted by a Girl Gamer (see below) who is talking on her microphone.

10. Go Engineer and built your sentry right next to the Girl Gamer's sentry and talk to them for the entire game.

11. Buy 400 cases of Monster Energy Drink but NOT GAME FUEL!!!! (See below.)

12. Live your life only playing two or three games overall. It's a little known fact that the REAL pro gamers don't play a lot of games. Instead, they only play Halo and then talk about Mario and Guitar Hero at school.

13. Congratulations! You are now officially a Pro Gamer! You can use this to your advantage in an argument by dismissing anyone other than you as a 'noob' and by declaring that you have beaten Halo on Legendary mode!


* A 'noob' is a person who is not as skilled at games as you are! Can also be called a neweb, newfriend, or Pyro.

* A Girl Gamer is a gamer who is also a girl. That's right, she's not only a girl, but also a gamer. She is very important, and you will need to talk to them constantly and swarm them with attention or else you will be thrown out by the community. Girl Gamers are mythical creatures, and you should do what you can to honor and spoil them at all costs! But don't hit on her, silly boys.

* Gamer Fuel is what sellout posers drink. Only drink Monster Energy Drink.


* You may get discouraged, but try not to! Lots of these people have been playing games for a lot longer than you have, so they have an unfair advantage! They are the wrong ones in the end!

Article added: 30 November 2009

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