Editor's Note: Here, in its original chatspeak splendor, is an article about the challenges facing today's affluenza-afflicted adolescent. We are banking on the unlikely event that one or two of our readers will be able to decipher it. How is that for the Audacity of Hope?

How to Be a Teenager

if u want 2 b a t0tal teen girl here iz h0w and if u cant reed this article thn uve faild alredy


1. wak up like reely l8 so on skool dayz thts like 20 minutz till the bus cums and on weekendz thts like as l8 as possibl

2. thn u gotta like hold up teh bathr00m 4 like 15 minutz, dont worry if ur sistrz and brothrz and parentz r screemin at u, just say ur gonna b out in a minut and keep sayin tht

3. put ur brush hidden sumwher in the bathroom and come out screamin sayin ur brothr or sistr stol it, if u dont have a brothr or sistr thn jst skip ths step

4. thn u gotta put tuuuuns of gum in ur mooth and keep chewin even if everyone gets annoyd, make sur 2 chew reeeeel loud

5. put all ur mak-up and stuff in ur purse U CANT FORGET UR CELL FONE!!! cell fone is supr important if it cn tak picturz thts supr supr good

6. get in ur car or buz and dont sit down till u sit in teh bak on the bus and the front seet if ur in a car

7. tak out ur cell fone and start textin ur bff mak sur bff sitz in seet beside u if ur on bus itz pointless and thts the point blast reel annoyn and loud ringtunez and spell evrything wrong like me

8. tak picturz of peeple in bus/car and tell thm thy looked stupid in the pictur

9. listen 2 ur MP3 playr/iPod reel loud with loud speakrz

10. whn u get hom mak sur to go to teh mall or summing liek dat and hang w/ ur bffs ths iz important 2

11. thn go home and take a reely long bath and stay in thr 4 long time and if mom screems at u 2 cum out take long time and ignor thm

12. thn wrap ur hair up and cum out and surf internet on ur laptop and reed this to see if ur doin it rite

13. thn go 2 ur room and crank tunes and watch tv if u hav 1 in u room and surf ur ringtones and choose teh most annoyn 1 4 tumorow

14. thn go 2 sleep and mak sur tunez are still on loud whn u fall asleep so tht othrz cant sleep

15. reepeet evry day


* a cell fone that is hot pink addz 2 teh drama…

* say "ummm…" and "like" a lot ths iz reely important 2

* mak sur 2 spell (almost) evrythin rong thts necessary

* uze reely annoyn ring tonez and use a new annoyn 1 evry day if u can

* dont run out of gum just keep buyin mor and keep a secret stash in ur messy closet or summin


* dont push parents 2 teh edge tht might not end well

* dont waste ur energy on little kidz just look at them and say OMG SUPR CUTE and thn start giggling, thisll freek the kidz out and they will leev u alon

 Things You'll Need

* a cell fone tht taks picturz

* a laptop

* lotz of gum

* MP3 playr or iPod

* a reely annoyn ring tone

* bffs tht can speed text

* a bus or car

* kool clothz

* a lot of girly attitude

* koolness

Article added: 17 November 2008

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You have to move
fast if your goal is to
become a teenager.

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