Editor's Note:This puts a whole new spin on the issues of smokers rights and nonsmokers rights, too!

How to Be a Smoker Without Dying

One of the major drawbacks of smoking is the irritating way it makes people die before they would normally expect to. This is generally thought to be a bad thing, and detracts from the many positive aspects of smoking such as coolness of appearance, weight loss and reduced boredom.

Here are several ways in which you can command the full respect of being a smoker and enjoy the benefits without significantly reducing your lifespan:


1. Buy strong, popular-brand cigarettes and keep the packet in your shirt pocket so that the logo is clearly visible at all times.

2. Give cigarettes to smokers on demand. This will increase your popularity and cool-ness among some of the most influential members of the community or workforce.

3. Occasionally, put a cigarette behind your ear for an hour or two to give the impression that you intend to smoke it. When stronger reinforcement is required, burn half a cigarette, extinguish it and put the remaining half behind your ear. This will give the impression that your cigarette break was interrupted but you are such a hardcore smoker you cannot bear to toss away the remaining few milligrams of sweet sweet nicotine. It will also greatly enhance your Smoker's Reek.

4. Further Reek enhancement can be facilitated by burning cigarettes in your car while driving to work. Thus your clothes and hair will retain a genuine tobacco smell all day. During this process, ash can be tapped onto the pant and smoke allowed to drift over the fingers to further reinforce the illusion. *NB: it is not recommended that you breathe during this exercise.

5. Claim to be trying to quit by not smoking in public. This will vastly reduce the amount of pressure put upon you to go out for smoke breaks, and also give the subtle impression that you are a good ol' smoker at heart who is just trying to do the right thing for his/her kids, or something.

6. Burn small holes in your shirt with a soldering iron.

7. Go to the bathroom after meals in restaurants and wait there for ten minutes, being sure to walk through the smoking section of the bar on your way out.


* When you feel your confidence level has been raised sufficiently by being a smoker, become an ex-smoker and pump yourself up by banging on about how great your willpower is to anybody who will listen. Treat smokers with pity and disdain, but occasionally say "whoa that smells so good", when close to somebody actually smoking.


* If you are an ex-smoker, do not attempt any of the above as you will surely start smoking again, which will lead to premature death in all cases

Article added: 17 October 2008

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